It's not alot, but i just want to know if it's well firstly any good and secondly if it's worth carrying on.
Frenzy
We had planned it, and we had planned it well. If all goes to plan, it would be a quick effortless job. Yet as I stood outside Maldor Mansion, I could not help but feel the flutter of wings inside me. The night air was chilly and it unleashed its wrath upon me, whipping my black coat upwards. I cool voice brought me back to my senses.
“Someone getting nervous?” asked Marcus, stepping out of the shadows. The ghost sphere gleaming upon his dark face, I hint of madness flashed in his malteeser eyes.
“No” I lied, it would be madness to back out now, all this preparation gone to waste over a few nervous butterflies, no, there is no going back.
“Let’s get this party started then” he beamed, handing me something heavy double wrapped in a dirty rag.
“And this is?” I asked, already knowing the answer. He did not reply instead he simply gestured towards the rag. I knew the evil that rested in the palm of my hand, yet still I felt a sense of need to unravel the object, the need to see it. Time slowed down as my hands carefully and elegantly revealed man’s worst invention.
I pulled the cloth away and watched it almost in slow motion as it glided from side-to-side, finally coming to a rest upon the cold stone pavement. The moon seemed to shine brighter on the gun than anything else, concentrating all its power onto one single thing. I rested the gun on my hand, feeling it’s power, it’s control. As a gripped the handle, everything went away. All nervousness vanished, all doubt faded, everything seemed cool and as a slipped the gun into the back of my jeans, I felt ready, I felt good.
I admire Marcus’s coolness, glad to be working with someone so prepared and sure of himself. Nothing ever seems to faze him, when there’s a problem, he’s quick to solve it.
“You ready?”
“Yes” I replied, pulling my balaclava on.
“We’re going to be rich.”
As soon as the words slipped from his mouth, my stomach turned again, not in the scared or nervous way but this time in the excited away, the adrenalin already rushing through my veins. A smile slid across my face.
“Yes, yes we are.”
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Once you start, it's very hard to stop------ Frenzy
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Sorry for above, i wasn't ment to do that, so sorry. I thought your story was very good, and very gripping, also as someone said above,can you please PM, me the reat if you are going to write it, i would LOVE to find out what happens.
Chears
Hi, this looks good enough for a review!
I dont get it* * *
the second part of the sentence sound a little off. it should be something like this:
“No” I lied, it would be madness to back out now, all of this preparation gone to waste over a few nervous butterflies,there should be a full stop here, and not a comma, that means that you have a bigger pause, and it adds effect. > the 'N' for 'no' should be a capital.no, there is no going back.
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Should be...
“Let’s get this party started then there should be some type of punctuation here, most likely a comma, but an exclamation mark will work fine” he beamed, handing me something heavy It might just be me, but I think that this should be a full stop, keep one Idea to a sentence. double this should probably be something like: "wrapped tightly" double wrapped just sounds offwrapped in a dirty rag.
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I think that some people on this forum are weird, nothing personal, I'ts just that everyone writes stuff out in full, and I think that it would be better abbreviated... such as what you have here.
He [s]did not [/s]didn'treply Oh, and you need a comma here! instead he simply gestured towards the rag.
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YES! continue! can you please PM me when the next part is up? it was a god story with good discriptions! Continue writing, I would also like to point out that you haven't done 2 reviews, you might want to jump over to the 'welcome' forum, everyone there is kind, and you will be told the correct rules of using this forum! Kepp writing!
Hi there, I'm June! I'm going to run over this for you
Lucy has pointed out the two slight errors, I found, but I want to bring to your attention that you miss out commas in a few places, especially before tagging:
• You should include a comma after the n, inside the quotation mark before you tag or stage the action teller.
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To answer your question, it's absolutely worth continuing! You should continue this! It's the perfect setting for a mystery/thriller story, and you've got the tone of the characters set up perfectly. Great job.
It feels like they're going to murder someone!
I think that "I" is supposed to be an "A"?
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The quote at the end should probably be in italics after he says, "Yes, yes we are."
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On the whole, it's a brilliant piece. I hope you turn this into your prologue, and continue on with this, making sure to touch on how he even got himself into that situation.
If you need any help, feel free to PM me. And! Please PM me if you get another part up
Best--
June
I agree, you should keep on writing this. It's sounds really good. Bravo.
But, with good stories comes good edits, so, here we go.
I'd like to draw your attention to this first. It almost seems repetative. I mean, wouldn't you expect them to plan it well? I would write it more like this.
We had a very good plan that would be quick and effortless if it went accordingly.
Now, I'm not saying that you should copy that, but it's just a suggestion.
Next,
What do you mean? I know you'll know, but your readers won't. You need to explain a little more.
Lastly,
What do you mean here? Does your character hold the gun? I don't get it.
I think this is a really good story, I'm really enjoying it. Don't take these edits offensive, I just want you to become a successful writer, which is what we strive for, right? I wish you good luck with your story and let me know when you write the next bit! Once again, good job and BRAVO!!!
Best Wishes,
Lucy Pennykettle
I think it is definitely worth carrying on!
I really like how you have set the scene and I think that this is a good beginning to a story. 
I do have a few comments on improvement:
I think you switch between tenses here- it should be either if all went to plan or it will be a quick effortless job. (You might want to ask someone though as I'm generally not that good with tenses)
I understand the feeling that you mean but I think that the flutter of fear or nerves fluttered inside of me instead of wings.
and both need to have the I's replaced with a.
I don't know what you mean by this- are you talking about the moon? or something supernatural that is to be explained later?
I'm not great with grammar but I think you need to break this sentence into more than one, for instance putting a full stop after butterflies and perhaps using a dash instead of a comma after lied.
I'm not sure about using elegantly- to me it doesn't seem to fit. You could either use a replacement or just not use it at all.
I got a bit confused (that could just be me though). I would add in fall somewhere, such as saying: I pulled the cloth away and watched it fall almost in slow motion; gliding from side to side and finally coming to a rest upon the cold stone pavement.
I would change the coma after jeans to a full stop and the a before slipped needs to be I.
Overall I did really like this as a start and I hope you do continue with it! All the comments I have made are just suggestions- hope I've helped